There’s going to come a time in every woman’s life where she wonders: is he an avoidant, or is he just avoiding me?
It’s usually after the guy she’s talking to flakes one-too-many times, isn’t responding to her texts with any sense of urgency, and, most importantly, hasn’t specifically paved a way forward for their hopefully-soon-to-be-but-not-yet-existing relationship.
When this question inches into your brain, it’s very important that you just block the guy.
Kidding! Kind of.
The term “avoidant” has become our favorite diagnosis. And I completely understand why. It harshens the blow of rejection. It’s much easier to digest that someone might not want to be with us not because of who we are but because of who they are.
It’s just the way their brain is wired, right? It’s nothing personal.
And you’re right! It’s nothing personal against you. But before you diagnose him as an avoidant, let’s talk a little bit more about the personality traits of an actual avoidant.
Attachment vs. Behavior
What does an avoidant attachment style actually look like?
Well, for starters, avoidants are staunchly independent people. It’s a learned disposition. It’s how they regulate their emotions.
Most avoidants learn from a young age that they’re unable to bring their emotional needs to others for resolution. So, they self-contain and strive for independence; it’s how they feel psychologically safe.
As a byproduct of their independence, they’re reluctant to rely on anyone in any capacity. It’s hard to truly get close to an avoidant because it requires a level of vulnerability on their end that they simply aren’t able or willing to provide, at least not without an adequate amount of time and an inclination to break their patterns.
Unfortunately, their behaviors often closely resemble those of someone who, quite frankly, just isn’t that interested.
They probably pull away randomly a lot. Or, is it really that random?
They probably hate any talk of emotions.
And they probably don’t go out of their way to discuss future plans with you.
But you’re hopeful. You’re determined. Maybe it’s just their attachment style. Surely, they’re head over heels for you; they just don’t know how to show it.
It’s also important to remember: an attachment style is not an excuse. Please, spare yourself the pain and the suffering.
… I see you’re still reading, though. It’s okay, I love being delusional, too (see: here). So, just in case you’re curious…
Signs He’s an Avoidant
Avoidants are more hot-and-cold than people who just aren’t that interested. Their mixed signals are a little less consistent and a little more structured.
I’ve made a little checklist. It hasn’t failed me yet (though I have definitely failed myself by choosing to ignore these signs).
- There was initial interest.
If he started showing interest and pulled away, particularly if things started to feel a little more serious, he could be an avoidant.
This isn’t exactly a foolproof measure–it could also just mean he was into you and then lost interest. Take this one with a grain of salt.
For an avoidant, the realization that they might have to enter an emotionally vulnerable situation is terrifying. They’re much more comfortable when they’re not relying on someone and when someone isn’t relying on them. When they realize they’ve allowed someone to get close to them, they start to panic. Which leads to them pulling away.
- It’s always “I” and never “we”
Avoidants tend to make it a point to never include you in their future plans. It’s easier for them if they don’t anticipate and, thus, depend on your existence in their prospective endeavors.
At least the guy that’s leading you on has the decency to let you believe you’ll be in his future. I mean, come on, is that too much to ask? Just feed my delusion for a bit.
- They intellectualize their emotions
There’s a slight difference in tone between an avoidant and someone who’s not interested. It takes a trained ear to hear it.
An avoidant is much colder and more distant when it comes to emotions. I’ve found it tends to be more action-based and never includes a why.
They might say, “I need space,” but they won’t elaborate why they feel this way or how it serves as a solution.
The best way to describe it is that it just sounds… empty. Truly devoid of any emotion.
I’ll elaborate on this further, but someone who isn’t super into you but wants to string you along still is much warmer and much more ambiguous.
- They get really wrapped up in the idea of a ‘perfect relationship’
You might hear them say something like, “we can’t be together because it didn’t start with me rescuing you from peril, after I threw extravagant parties in the hopes that you’d show up, and after writing you a letter every day for 365 days.”
I’m exaggerating, but they do obsess over everything being ‘perfect.’
This is a scapegoat for them. If things started imperfectly (as all things do), it’s a reason for them to halt things.
One time, I started seeing a guy with avoidant tendencies. It started very… casually, if you’re catching my drift, but we were mutually obsessed with each other after the first hangout.
So, naturally, after almost two months of basically living together, I asked where it was going.
Imagine his surprise.
“We can’t be together because this all started as a hookup!”
Riiiiight, right, right.
- They’re surprised you’re into them
When someone just isn’t interested in you, they tend to have pretty high confidence. The guys who don’t want you are always the cockiest.
Avoidants, on the other hand, naturally have pretty low self-esteem, but you probably wouldn’t initially be able to tell.
Over time, they might start to say things like, “you’re too cool for me” or “I can’t believe why you’d want to be with someone like me.”
People often suggest you run at the first sign of this. There’s a reason for it.
If someone doesn’t have confidence in themselves, they’ll probably start trying to make sure you don’t have the confidence to be with anyone but them.
Even if they don’t do this, they’ll use their low self-worth as an excuse for why they don’t treat you well.
This is another scapegoat for them.
If they don’t believe they’ll be a good partner, and they try to warn you that they won’t be a good partner, then they won’t have to put in the effort to be a good partner. And, therefore, they don’t have to have the emotional obligation of a relationship. It’s a win-win for them, a get-out-of-jail-free card. Some avoidant syllogistic reasoning for you.
Signs He’s Just Avoiding You
AKA: the most gut-wrenching part of the Reddit thread you were reading.
- They don’t initiate anything
Think about the last time they texted you first. Was it at 2 AM?
Guys who aren’t that interested tend to only reach out when they want something. And we all know what that something is.
An avoidant will reach out. They’re usually all in at first. But someone who just isn’t that into you probably won’t, or at least, they won’t do it that often.
- He doesn’t remember things about you
You’ve probably told him your birthday, your favorite color, and your middle name at least 10 times. Could he repeat this info back to you?
Probably not.
A man who wants you, even if he’s an avoidant, will remember every tiny little detail about you. It’s just kind of what men and women alike do when we really like someone.
- He avoids talking about emotions altogether
Usually, an avoidant will at least talk about an action plan when it comes to emotions.
Someone who is just avoiding you probably avoids the conversation entirely.
But, here’s the thing: they’re really good at making it seem like they’re not really avoiding it.
They mix ambiguity with warmth–the perfect equation to keep you hooked enough to hang around while instilling enough caution in you to where you won’t prod any further.
They might say something like, “I like you; I just want to keep seeing where things go” or “I’m not ready for a relationship right now, but you’re cool, and I want to keep hanging out with you.”
- He makes time for anything and everything… but you
Whenever you ask him to hang out, he’s probably busy.
But, somehow, he’s always with someone who isn’t you.
You know what this means. You don’t want to acknowledge it, but you know.
- He makes you want to look up signs of an avoidant attachment style
Gotcha there, didn’t I?
The Harsh Reality
I hate harsh realities just as much as the next person.
But you can’t communicate your way into being with someone. There’s nothing you can say to someone who’s avoidant or someone who’s not interested to convince them to be with you.
You can always be the one who got away. (Mind you, I’m saying this as the girl who has NEVER been the one who got away. I’m more like the girl who won’t go away. Don’t be like me.)
You deserve more. You deserve someone whose mixed signals don’t send you into psychosis at 3 AM.
Because, at the end of the day, a label doesn’t really matter. In reality, there isn’t that much weight on the distinction between someone who’s avoidant vs. someone who’s avoiding you.
In both cases, you’re not the problem.
If they’re an avoidant? There’s a lot they need to work out, and you deserve someone who’s ready to love you and be loved by you.
If they’re avoiding you? Well, you could be the juiciest peach at the farmer’s market, but there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches.
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