In the ever-so-violent currents in the sea of dating advice, you’ve likely seen the word ‘delusional’ floating around. It’s its own whirlwind–it seems to either suck people into the darkest depths of the ocean or sail them gently to safety. Is staying delusional in  dating really the key? Or is it hurting more than helping?

I’m a soft girl. A lover, a yearner, whatever you want to refer to me as. I don’t respond well to tough love. “If he wanted to, he would,” “you’re upset over someone who isn’t responding to you, but they know exactly where you are and how to contact you,” “don’t let someone tell you twice that they don’t want to be with you.” These bits of advice never sit with me. Suddenly, I can’t hear you or see what you’re saying. 

I think falling in love means being hopeful. You hope this person reciprocates your feelings. You hope this person is going to love you the way you deserve. You hope this person is the one. 

Is being delusional just being hopeful?

I think, to fully understand delusion, you have to recontextualize the word itself. In social media terms, delusion has a much more positive connotation than the dictionary definition. Yes, being delusional does still mean willing yourself to believe something, in spite of reality refusing to prove its factuality. But the reality that people uphold as the standard is often based on the greater cultural understandings of and reactions to dating. 

You just started talking to someone new, but they take hours to respond to you. Suddenly, you’re delusional for thinking this person could genuinely be interested in you. God forbid you assume they’re busy. Because they’re not. They’re just totally uninterested, and, to be completely honest, they probably hate you.

And people think being delusional is an extreme take. 

The word ‘delusion’ is often pinned on the wide-eyed hopefuls of dating, a scarlet letter of sorts. There’s a large divide between the delusionals and the “realists.” (Around here, by the way, we call them ‘cynics’. Just kidding. Kinda.)

Because you’re approaching a situation with open arms and an even more open heart, suddenly you’re silly. Hope and naivete are now synonymous with delusion. 

But don’t we need hope when approaching potential new relationships?

Do we need to be delusional to fall in love?

To be successful in the modern age of dating, I think, requires a bit of delusion. Hear me out.

Yes, you have to be realistic. You have to know when something just isn’t going to work out. You have to know your value. But you also have to be trusting. Sometimes, trust is built on delusion. To build real trust, like really real trust, takes years. At the beginning, you have to will yourself into believing that you trust them. And, if I’m being completely honest, I don’t think you can ever fully know what someone is or isn’t capable of. But you have to be vulnerable to take that leap of faith. And where does that vulnerability come from? Delusion. 

There’s absolutely no evidence that you should trust that person you’ve been talking to. Maybe they don’t respond quickly because they do work a lot. Maybe they are really busy. 

But, because that’s a common cop-out answer, it’s hard to believe. So I get the realists on this one. But, also, you shouldn’t not trust this person on the sole premise that other people lie about things, right?

Then can’t the argument be made that you need to delude yourself into thinking you trust them?

But, then, what happens if someone breaks this trust, the trust you built with the bricks of delusion? Are the cynics right? Should we reject delusion (and, thus, hope) to save ourselves?

How delusion breeds vulnerability

We’re entering an era where people will do anything to avoid heartbreak. And that includes pushing away hope and optimism. 

But, in my opinion, all this does is create resistance to vulnerability. And I think everything that is wrong with modern dating can be traced back to this. We’re all afraid of each other.

If we enter the dating scene with an icy shield protecting our hearts, then, yes, we’re potentially avoiding heartbreak. But we’re also potentially avoiding true love. 

I really think the delusional girlies are onto something. They enter every new romantic situation head-and-heart-first. And maybe they get hurt more than cynics. But they’re unapologetically lovers. And the world needs more of that.  

So, are we staying delusional, or are we protecting our hearts?

This is a question only you can answer for yourself. But I will say: if heartbreak is going to find you, it’s going to find you. 

No one can be spared from the torture that is a broken heart. It’s painful. But it shapes us. You can’t build resilience without suffering. That’s the worst part of life. All you can  do is change how you look at things. And if that means being a little delusional, I see nothing wrong with it.