Once, I was in a year-and-a-half long relationship, and I was so happily in love. And it was great.

Save for just a few minor things: I only ever saw him at night and on his terms, and he never introduced me or even talked about me to his friends, and he never bought me anything or took me anywhere, and he never told me he loved me. 

And also it was only a one-sided relationship, and I couldn’t even refer to him as my boyfriend to my friends (who knew all about him, might I add). 

And I wasn’t happy; I was actually in near constant agony. 

And it wasn’t great in any way, shape, or form. 

And one last insignificant detail I should add: I wasn’t in love. I was stuck in a state of obsession-fueled uncertainty.

So, y’know, maybe that whole first sentence was a little off. But it did go on for a year and a half. That part is true.

But this man listened to me when I talked about my feelings. And he told me I was his best friend once. Did I mention he used to call me a couple times a week? (And every time he got drunk, too! Can you believe it?) Sometimes, he would even respond to my texts! 

This, my friends, was that whole “situationship” thing you keep hearing about. 

I had a vested interest in a man who cared about me enough to want to keep me in his life, but didn’t care about me nearly enough to either commit or communicate his feelings and walk away. Or, at least, that’s what I thought. 

The reality was more like this: I had a vested interest in a man who cared about himself and the possibility of physical gratification whenever he pleased, but didn’t want to actually be with me in any emotionally fulfilling way. 

So why didn’t I cut this off? How did I let this go on for a year and a half?

This man was so skilled, he mixed his signals just enough to keep me hooked, while also removing himself from any responsibility for my feelings. And I loved it. The uncertainty drove me crazy, and everyone knows the unknown is what makes things exciting, right? Isn’t it fun to not know where things are going and how the other person feels about you?

Falling asleep in his arms overrode every time he pretended not to know me in public. All the times he told me he wanted to hear my voice erased all the times he didn’t answer my phone calls. Every “I like you” canceled out every “I don’t want to be with you.” 

We’re programmed to only hear what we want to hear. We circumnavigate sadness by avoiding the path littered with disinterest–the path to rejection–by following our own forged path, paved by the stones of instant physical gratitude–which, ironically, is an even longer and more painful path to rejection. And it’s not like it’s entirely our fault, because our love interests are leading us down the latter path. 

On paper, it’s clear there’s no good that will come from being in a situationship.

So why are we so drawn to situationships? Why are they so romanticized?

Situationships tease that giddy “crush” feeling that’s so hard to find as an adult. When we were kids, we loved going to school just on the off chance that our crushes would even look in our direction. Remember those conversations in science class? Whispering to our best friend about how Justin was totally staring, which, of course, meant he was crushing just as hard? Now that we’re adults, it’s harder to chase the euphoria that is “do they like me,” because we’re now much more in control of our emotions. If we find ourselves attracted to someone, we ask them on a date. Or we just twirl our hair or bat our eyes or compare hand sizes until they ask us on a date. And if someone isn’t responsive to our advances, we now know to just move on. 

Situationships are founded on the grounds of uncertainty. As adults, we can now have all the fun of a crush combined with the agony of rejection. And for some reason, it’s absolutely thrilling. Because, even though it’s torturous to wait for a text back, when we actually get to see them, it’s a high like no other. Or maybe it’s that we’re put in such low moods from every other gut-wrenching display of their rejection that the “high” in question is very much like seeing any other person, but we’re fooled by the rush of deprivation and tantalized by the now-revived possibility that our situationship actually does want to be with us. I mean, they must want to be with us, because why else did they call us back a week later? If they weren’t interested at all, wouldn’t they just ghost us? They totally would just ghost us. They would, right?

So, how did we even get here?

You met this person, and there seems to be a mutual spark. You’re excited to see where things go. But, right before your eyes, things are going, and they’re not going well. You blinked, and you guys missed the turn for Relationship Avenue. But, you figure, this car’s gotta turn back around at some point, and you guys will just make the turn when you see it again! Unfortunately, that person you’re seeing intentionally missed the turn. And they’re going to keep driving for as many miles as you let them. And unless you hop out of the car, you’re going to be emotionally kidnapped. 

But the problem is, as you sit in the passenger seat and enjoy the ride, it’s difficult to actualize the emotional agony for which you’re destined. How could anything bad happen when you’re having such a great time? Or maybe you’re fully aware of the imminent danger you’re in, but you can’t pull yourself away because it feels too good or because you’re surreptitiously still hopeful you guys will find your way back to that street you passed miles and miles ago. 

How do you pull away from something that keeps pulling you in?

Well, you have to take off your rose-colored glasses. You can’t see things for what they could be, or what you want them to be, you have to see things for what they are. Disregard your situationship for a second, and think only about yourself. Consider everything you need to be happy in a relationship. Now compare those things with what your situationship actually offers. No, not what you think they could someday offer. Because, as of right now, there is no someday. There’s right now, and what they’ve shown you up until this point. 

Situationships are a door leading to nowhere. Even worse, actually. They’re a door that leads to a gaping hole, enticing you in, only for you to fall to your emotional demise. If that person you’ve been seeing tells you they don’t want a serious relationship, believe them. If you follow after them, hoping and praying to change their mind, just know that you’re on a fast track to your own insanity. And not to mention, it’s much easier to walk away sooner rather than later. 

If you’re in a situationship currently, do yourself a favor, and just walk away.