See also: should I break no contact?

It’s the best time of the year for you, my little pot-stirrer. It’s your ex’s birthday. 

You’ve been cracking your knuckles, doing your stretches, running up and down the stairs of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, and typing out (and deleting and retyping) message ideas in your Notes app. 

You are ready, my friend. 

Except, you’re probably still wondering if this is a good idea. You’re going to go through with it, no doubt, but you’re still questioning:

should you or should you not send that birthday text?

There’s no easy way of answering this, of course. Whether you should or shouldn’t depends entirely on your specific situation. But before you hit ‘send’ on that message, you should ask yourself one thing: what do you actually want to happen? What’s the best-case scenario here?

The classic birthday-text-to-break-no-contact is a fan favorite because it’s fairly foolproof. It’s innocuous enough–your ex isn’t going to know your intentions straight away. For all they know, you could just be extending your well wishes! If it just so happens to end in a reconciliation, well, then wouldn’t that just be so crazy and coincidental? Clearly, the universe was pulling you two back toward each other, and you had absolutely no hand in that. It was fated!

But what’s the actual success rate on that? 

If you scroll through TikTok comments, you’ll find that, anecdotally, it seems to be pretty hit-or-miss. The problem with the ever-so innocent birthday text is the exact same thing that makes it so indubitable: your intentions are unclear. 

Intent is everything

I’m all for sending the text. I love the potential plot progression. But let’s be honest: the birthday text is a game. You’re wiggling a worm in front of your ex to see if they bite. If they do, you’re going to sink your line in a little bit further, again, to see how much of the bait they take. In your head, you’re just feeding them, right? It’s harmless! If they eat the worm entirely, then, and only then, are you going to reel them in. But if they only nibble? Well, at least they got to feel good for a second. 

This is why it’s important to fully analyze your intentions and what you’re hoping to gain from the interaction. If you just want your ex to know that you guys are cordial, and you’re not hoping for anything more? Easy, send the text. Simple. 

But if you’re hoping this text is going to open the door between you two, you need to do a little more evaluating. Not because it won’t work, but because it could work. And, realistically, is that what you want?

Expect the best, prepare for the worst

I’m not here to judge. I love my ex-boyfriends. If any one of them (well, almost any one of them) reached out, I’m speeding over to them, my healing flying out the car window. But for your sake, I want to urge you to consider: if this doesn’t work, are you ready to deal with that?

You know when you break no contact, and the whole time you’re only thinking about how great life is going to be in a couple hours when you guys are together again? But then you send the text, and you get rejected, or (even worse, in my opinion) you don’t even get a response? And it sends you back, like, ten steps in your healing journey? 

Not saying this will happen to you, but if it did, are you prepared to deal with that? If, and only if, you picture this scenario and accept it as a likely outcome, do I suggest you send that text. 

On the other hand, say this does work. Say you send that text, and you find out your ex has been missing you like crazy. And you guys meet up and start hanging out again. Think about this: did you genuinely like them? Or are you just falling back into something because you miss how they made you feel? Was this a good relationship? Is it worth running it back with them?

There’s a lot to consider here. And with so little time to think about it. 

But you also need to remember this: just because it’s their birthday, it doesn’t mean you have to say something. If you don’t reach out, it’s not like you have to wait until next year. It just means you missed your turn at the game, but you don’t have to play the game. 

Honesty and vulnerability

I think we often forget that we can just be honest. You don’t need to wait for a birthday to reach out. It’s a safe fallback plan, yes, but there will always be beauty and courage in vulnerability. 

Unfortunately, I am a lover girl. I’m under the belief that, if you miss someone, you can tell them at any given time. I’ve never been one to fully subscribe to no contact. If we’re in no contact, it’s only because I have nothing to say to you. (This is a dangerous way of thinking, of course. Obviously if someone needs space, give them space. It’s not like I fully lack social etiquette.) 

But life is short. I’ve heard too many stories about people being in no contact, just waiting for the right moment to reach out and try to rekindle, only to discover their ex got married or died, even.

You’re not always going to get the opportunity to say what you want to say. It’s hard to be open. It’s hard to trust that someone is going to be gentle with the feelings you’re presenting to them. But think about it: if this person died tomorrow, would you feel okay with never having said what you wanted to say?

Sometimes, the answer will be yes. But, most of the time, the answer will be no.

So, should you text your ex on their birthday?

I don’t know, I’ll always tell you to send that text. What’s the worst that can happen? What’s the best that can happen?