Em says:

Hello!

I’ve [f23] been dating Sam [m23] for about four months now. I recently realized that this is a man I could see myself marrying. I really do love him, and this is the healthiest relationship I’ve been in. But we had a conversation about marriage and children, and we don’t quite align. He wants at least three children, while I don’t know if I want any. Do you think his mind will change? Would it be silly to end things so soon over a bridge we won’t even cross for years? Pls help!

Dear Em,

This is a tricky situation, and I definitely see your dilemma here. On the one hand, if there is a clear and distinct disagreement where one person is going to have to sacrifice something major, then, of course, the right thing for both of you is to walk away. However, it is early in the relationship, and you guys are still very young; it seems silly to break up so early over something like this, right? It’s only been four months, should these major decisions conclude your relationship right now?

Well, unfortunately, it’s an unfair ask to either of you to reconsider such an important thing. If he wants at least three kids, then he shouldn’t settle. And if you potentially don’t want any, then you also shouldn’t have to reconsider. The topic of children really isn’t the sort of thing you can agree-to-disagree on. Their presence or lack thereof shapes the entirety of a person’s future; your level of fulfilment in life is often directly tied the correlation between your desire for kids and whether you have them. It’s unfair for either of you to expect the other to change their mind on such a huge life decision.

But, on the other hand, you guys are both young. And you’ve only been dating for four months. Sometimes, people’s desires change naturally. Maybe he’ll decide he doesn’t want kids, maybe you’ll decide you do. Maybe you guys will meet in the middle.

But just because someone’s decision can change, doesn’t mean you should plan for it to. I think more conversations are in order to see where you both definitively stand on the matter. If you both are completely unswaying in your choices, unfortunately, this will probably have to be the end of the relationship. You both deserve to get everything you want out of life, and you both are worthy of being with people who can provide that for you.

if you guys are both undecided, I don’t see anything wrong with continuing the relationship. But it’s absolutely imperative that you guys operate under the strict boundary that, whenever one of you has made up their mind, that person promptly brings up the conversation again, and you both can decide what to do from there.

Godspeed, my friend. I wish you all the best.

xoxo,
The Winky Peach